It hurts so bad

I just don't even know where to start honestly. I feel like i'm not a good friend because I can't go to a funeral. I just can't handle going honestly I really can not deal with funeral homes at all. This year I had my uncle and great grandmother pass away. This might have something to do with it. After today and my visit with my grandparents I can't go at all. Grandpa went to have his kidney treatments done like he always has done 3 days a week 4 hours each day. Well I guess on Saturday his blood pressure got really low and he stopped breathing the nurse thought he died. He wasn't breathing for 45mins which scares me so bad. He has been my rock since I was a little girl he was there for me when the sperm donor walked out of my life. To walk him go through this is hurting me he was the strongest man to me as a kid I really depended on him for so much. He is so kind hearted and would do anything for his family. I just wish I had never heard about this because I worry so much about him. Even hubby is worried about him which tells me this is serious really serious. I just broke down today crying because its scary to watch him hurting and knowing theres nothing you can do to make the greatest man and grandpa in the world feel better. My grandmother is so strong to be able to be so strong in dealing with this I wish I had her strength and courage. It would probably be better if hubby was here but he does his job for us and our life. He's dealing with his own stuff his dad might have cancer its hard to deal with nothing someone you love could be hurting. Why can't life ever be easy just for a little bit.